Wednesday, 7 February 2018


I recall that last year, I was feeling drained and found it difficult to focus.
It's hard to sustain a high level of concentration - even basketball players face that problem, especially the grind of a long season until playoffs roll around.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I am not a basketball player and I don't have  high stakes, winner-takes-all post season to determine success or failure.   So I can't just turn up in the second half.  I have to be there.  Consistently.  
Don't get me wrong - it's definitely not easy.  But for me - it comes down to concentration and discipline.  Perhaps I should be thankful that to some degree I have discipline some of the time.  I am not sure whether it was actively instilled in a younger version of myself, which has allowed me to reap the benefits today.  We always have our weakness or compromises from time to time, but it should be that guide.  I recently rewatched "The Last Samurai" - with Tom Cruise, which was a movie romanticising the way of the samurai, which in a way was about exhibiting the discipline to do things to perfection.  It was not about being necessarily the fanciest nor elaborate - but somehow striving for an elusive perfection, yet sadly recognising that such a goal may never truly be attainable.

It was to exhibit the self control and to ensure to control oneself before the situation.  It's both hilarious and reprehensible to witness heightened efforts for show, but yet when the cat's away...
To be honest, I do believe it ebbs and flows - and I really am not sure if it is something really learned or instilled, but would be fascinated to understand a very "lay" answer to that!

However, it is quite easy to lose oneself in the grind of things.  Injuries and being busy with personal events have led to me disrupting the schedule - and lack of progress or results definitely is mentally challenging.  But hopefully, I can get back to a semblence of a routine to be back to being the disciplined self and getting back into the swing of things! 

Thursday, 11 January 2018

Turning a slow ship....

I had definitely hoped for a more positive start to 2018.
However, it seems like things are still challenging - more a continuation of 2017.
What is most disappointing is when one believes that they have made changes; gone through the hard yards and hoping for the outcomes to be different.  Made changes to set oneself up for a better tomorrow.  But no.  The outcomes are not different.  The pain continues both professionally and personally.  All that slogging. All that running with the head down to get things done. 
What is disappointing is that after all that push - nothing.  Or even regression in some instances.

Perhaps I am not used to being in such a predicament - and usually can overcome such a predicament.  But now I start to question whether I can even overcome it all and what it really would take.   Going from, "What do I need to do?" to "What else can I do?" takes some time.  I wonder whether I still have the same mental resolve I had when I was younger.   

Have I lost it? 
I certainly hope not. 

Perhaps I am lost in the detail or I am not really thinking long term enough.  Let's hope I can turn things around - soon!

Sunday, 7 January 2018


Sometimes, when the journey has been a long one, it is interesting to look back at how things have changed or evolved.  Often, one doesn't seem to see the picture when one is in the thick of things day in day out.  The subtle changes.  Little things.  Over long periods of time, the cumulative stack of all can really have a big impact on things.  Like looking at a single pixel and then drawing back further and further until one can see all the pixels interacting to make a larger picture.  Looking back, sometimes I wonder whether things would be different had certain things been spotted or had been done differently.

Facebook would occasionally offer a look-back of interactions with people or a 10 years.  Instagrammers would post their best 9 this time of year or have throwback photos.  I don't often go through all the photos I take, so seeing a random photo of yourself interacting with others in a time long ago triggers surprise at that moment which had been so normal, but today may not be.  Casual coffee catch ups.  Christmas parties.  Hopefully not so many regretful moments!

It happens when you find some old clothes.  Will it or won't it fit?  Some of my earlier suit commissions highlight that back then, I had a larger waist and smaller torso - so at least that's a small positive from when it was a struggle to button up my shirt.

Coming back to my apartment after holidays, I definitely noticed that things were a bit messy.  I wonder to what extent is this a result of stack of my bad habits of leaving things around?  Also, I cannot help but wonder what the effect there is of that on a person - perhaps shaping a person more.  Hopefully it is not too late to change those habits....time to (reluctantly) clean up!